Mind of Malone

Its a Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood

2008-09-28T20:50:00.000-07:00

I have been crazy busy this month… we (mike g and I) did the Outspoken Comedy Tour the entire month of September.. it took a lot of time and effort but it was so worth it… we book and promote the entire tour ourselves.. side note we brought a new guy to open for us this year who kicked ass such a solid choice Dj Dangler.. He’s on me friends list so add him if you haven’t already.. but anyways it has been a LONG and BUSY month.. not a lot of free time.. but like I said we got a lot accomplished… with this month coming to an end I have a couple days to myself which is much needed..

so I took the motorcycle out for a ride today… it was sooo nice out.. Perfect weather.. theres something about riding the motorcycle that’s so relaxing so relieving.. as dangerous and scary the idea of dieing at any moment on that thing is, the amount of peacefulness is priceless… I drove way out to these country roads today… giant cornfields, rusty old antenna towers, gravel driveways at least a mile long leading up to huge Midwest houses sticking out just a few feet in front of barns and silos that look 100 years old.. I grew up in Ohio so im used to seeing these images but lately like I said we have been hopping from city to city so all I see is rough pavement , street lights and the never ending yellow lines of the empty highway in the middle of the night. It was so refreshing to be out on these what seem to be forgotten roads. It’s a totally different lifestyle out there…Slower.. Quieter.. Reminded me of growing up ya know… so carefree, so private, so beautiful…where the only thing you had to worry about was getting a bee sting from running barefoot in the backyard… now my life is filled with bills, deadlines, baggage claim lines at the airport and gas prices. I want to go back to eating hot dogs on the back porch at dusk instead of McDonalds on the way home from a gig at 2am. I don’t wanna seem like I am complaining because im not im merely reflecting on a time that was simpler, which I think we all do that with our jobs from time to time. Like I said earlier it was so nice to escape reality for just heartbeat and see a small piece of the world tucked away in the backyard of the booming city of Indianapolis. I think we all need to see life at different angles sometimes…makes you stronger.. makes you realize how small yet how big this world really is…

I didn’t have my camera with me of course…but I did have my phone so I took a couple of pictures.. I edited the colors but I think they are pretty cool… I wanna go back with my camera this week… the picture of the road with the trees is amazing… I found a tunnel of trees out in the middle of nowhere, it was so warm riding in the sun and when I went into this cave of trees it was 40 degrees cooler.. it was like I found an underground path It was amazing.. I can’t explain it I just wish I could everyone there as stupid as that sounds..

Community Service

2008-07-11T16:14:00.000-07:00

So I live in the Broad Ripple area of Indianapolis IN now… its kind of like a downtown of a city and campus had sex and out came the broad ripple area. So im walking down the street around 2pm-ish having a convo with the moms on me celluar telephone… all of sudden this lady starts screaming for my attention from this porch.

"Hold on a second mom… YEAH!?"

"Come here!"
(not moving closer) "Yes? Do you need something??"

"You got a friend with ya?"
(Standing alone on the sidewalk, I look side to side and behind me)

"….no"

"Can you go get someone?"

"…no…do you need something?"

"Yeah..i need you to grab a buddy, come inside…and help me move this TV out of the basement!"

are we fucking serious?!? I mean maybe in the 50's this would have been an okay thing… nice dressed lady, little light jazz music in the background, shes sweeping off her front porch, or watering some plants but NOT this lady.. no.. not this day in age.. she looks like shes been ridden more times than the tilt a whirl at the state fair.. cigarette in her mouth and one in her other hand just ready for the other one to burn out.. bandana… jean shorts that were cut from full length jeans at one point.. tank top with the AC/DC logo.. death metal playing in the background.. 9 children in the yard… I tell ya what lady, why don't we make these little bastards team up and form an ultimate child makeshift megatron robot and have them do your manual labor since clearly you ran off anything with a spine and a set of balls…
My mother being my mother is freaking out on the phone of course…

"Michael.. michael …you cant just go into strange women's houses…"

"Ma, if she was hotter there would have been no questions asked, id have to call you later.."

"Michael… tell me your joking… those are the stories you here about.."

"Yea…in playboy ma!"

Butt Hole

2008-02-27T20:20:00.000-08:00

So im standing in line waiting to be seated at one of my favorite places in the world.. Applebees..yes im serious.. im with a group of people and the only other person in the little waiting area is the black guy… hes talking on his Bluetooth ear piece.. Side note: black people LOVE the Bluetooth.. almost as much as they love the gold tooth.. anyways all of sudden this guy just says “.. yea.. I know.. he was acting like a real butt hole..”. Now theres two things wrong with this.

1) I haven’t heard the word “butt hole” since I was like 6 years old.
2) He was black… black guys are waaayyy too cool to use a word like butt hole.. I mean come on.. black guys are the smoothest dudes on the face of the planet.. old white preachers don’t use the word “butt hole”.. an old white preacher would say something like .. “yea I know that guy was being a fucking jerk”.

How funny is the word butt hole… say it out loud.. go ahead.. you will giggle your ass off. Now imagine being in public and hearing a complete stranger say it in an angry manner AND they just happen to look like their talking to a ghost because they have their ear piece in.

I wish I had a time machine… but im afraid I wouldn’t use it for anything good.. I would just like to go back in time and watch words like “butt hole” be used for the first time in history. Don’t you ever hear something and go… who the fuck made that up?? I would LOVE to be there the first time someone got soooo mad that they called another person a butt hole. Can’t you just see two men arguing…

Frank- “You know jim…I gotta tell ya… lately you’ve been getting on my nerves..”
Jim- “oh yea.. so what!”
Frank- “Im just saying, maybe you could start doing more around here and stop being such a … a..”
Jim- “ a what frank?! Huh?! Huh?! Come on! Call me a jerk.. tell me im stupid.. let me have it!”
Frank- “ Lately you’ve been a real.. a reeeaaall.. BUTT HOLE!”
Jim-“………. A what?”
Frank- “A Butt hole jim… you remind me of the hole in my butt!!..”

Don’t you ever hear words or phrases and want to know where the hell they came from… someone had to be the first person to say this stuff. “Happy Birthday! You look like a monkey and you smell like one too!”.. what?!? You know some drunk just blurted that out randomly one time while everyone was singing.. and they laughed and laughed.. and one guy went home to his wife, telling her all the cool stuff that happened at the birthday party..

Bob- “..yea.. then he opened some gifts.. I think todd got him a fishing rod..”
Mary- “Did he like the giftcard we got him?”
Bob-“ Yea.. he said he loves that coffee shop.. he said to tell you thank you.. then his wife brought out the cake and we all started singing… oh oh.. and then were all singing right, and out of nowhere jim just yells out – You look like a monkey… and you smell like one too!- just out of nowhere.. it was soooo funny..”
Mary-“ wait.. he called martin a monkey?”
Bob- “yea.. and we laughed, I think I even peed a little..”
Mary-“I don’t think that’s funny.. I mean a monkey?... and then to tell him he smelled like one too.. I think that’s taking it a little too far.. this jim guy sounds like a real butt hole.”

Rush Hour 3 : Yea We Get It...

2008-02-27T16:26:00.000-08:00

Here is my movie review for Rush Hour 3... because its everywhere you look these days, mcdonalds cups..billboards..pop up ads.. so i tried to watch it the other night.. yes TRIED..
Rush Hour 3 :

Yea we get it... some chinese people and black people talk funny..
Yea we get it.. Jackie Chan is 70 and can still do a back flip...
Yea we get it.. Chris Tucker talks loud and knows way to much about Michael Jackson..
Yea we get it.. The hot chick isnt as innocent as she looks.. figured that out the first and second movie you made...

Chris Tucker said he dosnt do alot of movies because he is afraid of failure.. well guess what chrissy.. your worst fear has come true.. this movie was HORRIBLE.. and im a Rush Hour fan.. who dosnt love the movie Rush Hour?? exactly.. but theres only so many times i can watch the same movie only in a different city..

So in short... I'd have to say.. yea we get it.. move on.. start returning ice cubes phone calls chris... you need another hit..

Having fun in Bowling Green!

2008-02-27T12:11:00.000-08:00

We took the Outspoken Tour to Grumpy Dave's in Bowling Green, OH and it was soooo much fun.. we all had great sets.. the crowd was just amazing.. it was the last stop on our 20 stop tour all over the midwest..stay tuned for next falls tour dates and dont miss the show when we come to town!...heres a couple clips from the night..

Happy 07

2008-01-02T08:51:00.000-08:00

I hope everyone had a kick ass holiday with friends and family..if not i hope you didnt drink yourself into a coma.. (is that how you spell coma? maybe its comma? no thats stupid.. whatever spelling means in a vegitable state..fuck.. is that how you spell vegitable? all the fucking technology in the world and they cant add a spell check to myspace?!? )

FRIENDS, FANS, AND FAMILY

I just wanna say THANK YOU to everyone who has made this year as wonderful as it has been for me, from just emails saying hey, to people who bought CDs, to people who came out to the shows.. I hope you all had as much fun as i did.. and ill try and keep things interesting for ya! This year has been pretty wild, it started off pretty calm but as i kept telling some of my close friends i thought 07 was going to be my year and it definitely was from being booked solid the last quarter of the year to selling over 100 copies of my CD that i released a few months ago, setting up a 20 stop comedy tour at some of the biggest name clubs in the Midwest with some of my closet friends and fellow comics, the CW Star auditioning being in the top 10 finalist, and well to be honest i couldn't have done ONE of those things without YOU! So my heart goes out to all of you whoever and where ever you are.. I cant say it enough, THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU! From the bottom of my heart i appreciate it.

THANK YOU

Oklahoma City

2008-01-01T19:41:00.000-08:00

so im sitting in the Oklahoma City Airport waiting on my delayed flight... what a perfect time for a trip.. middle of these fucking snow storms packing 5 inches of ice along with them.. i knew i was gonna have problems getting home because when i flew in to oklahoma i got stuck in kansas.. let me tell ya that was the smallest airport ive ever seen,, it was so small they didnt have loud speakers it was just some redneck yelling across the lobby.."Flight # 11..now boarding... and dont let the door hit ya where the good lord split ya!" I flew from columbus OH to St Louis MI then was supposed to land in Oklahoma City OK.. we circled oklahoma for an hour before we landed in Kansas... the pilot came on the speaker and goes "umm folks theres alot of fog over oklahoma so we cant land right now so what we are going to do it refuel and go back and circle for roughly hour to an hour and a half and if we cant land we will take everyone back to St Louis"... not what i wanted to hear when showtime is 800pm that night... so the headliner who also happens to be a very good friend of mine Derek Richards drives to kansas and picks my sorry ass up...

the weekend was fun, the club was beautiful and the staff was nice.. ill post some pics of this place it was amazing.. ive never been to a nicer place... two giant grand pianos on stage..which i attempted to play in the middle of our last show lol... we stayed at this shitty days inn hotel across town which judging by the sounds they had children doing the house cleaning... or maybe it was bring your kid to work weekend.. whatever it was they woke me up every two hours in the mornings... part of an undeclared wake up call...

so that takes us today where i have offically taken my first ever taxi ride... the driver was a huge womens basketball fan... he not only knew stats but family backgrounds on these girls... borderline creepy... and he kind of did a dick move to get more money from me.. right as we were pulling up to the airport he was tlaking about his only son coming home from iraq for xmas and how much the plane ticket cost... "aaawweee" right..WRONG.. i mean god bless that his son is coming home for xmas but to bring up right before i tip you..,come on... i aint stupid... we aint in kansas anymore dorthy...so that takes us to now, sitting here not wanting to pay 8 bucks to get online... thinking im not gonna make it home tonight... i dont really get nervous when i fly but i do this weird game in my head.. where i look at the people on the flight and i judge them..not in a bad way just in a safe way.. like this plane cant go down because that guy has to be too important to die.. like i look for people and judge how important they are and if theres enough of them theres no way the plane is going down because the world couldnt function without them...but i gotta be honest here people... two guys with mullets are my flight this time... so its hard telling if im making it home or not tonight...

So i made it home..barely.. my flight was de-fucking-layed big time.. it was supposed to leave at 615.. then 715..then 725..then 745..755.. finally we board the plane at 8pm.. its only a 45 min flight back to columbus OH. So i pass out and was gonna sleep on the way home..i wake up 35mins later and we are sitting on the runway still. Yea, not impressed. The pilot comes out and says "Sorry im on overtime" and walks off the plane. Someone comes on the loudspeaker and tells us another pilot is on his way, we will be taking off in 15mins... long story short we sat on the plane til 10pm...2 fucking hours just sitting on a plane.. oh well at least we made it home.

Oklahoma where the buffalo roam and so does my cell phone..

Heres a quick description of the place.. its called Bricktown.. so the entire place is, you guessed it, BRICKS... its soo nice.. and the club is one giant building with like 6 different other clubs inside.. theres a hip dance room, an 80s dance room, a karokee room, live rock band room, coffee shop, and the comedy club is downstairs.. the whole place has a color theme to it, the whole place is all deep reds and golds and like a purple color.. it was beautiful...

Youngstown OHIO aka 1998

2007-10-21T12:12:00.000-07:00

So im trapped in the late 90's... not really but thats the vibe that this town gives off.. i keep waiting for Kurt Loader to give me my MTV news.. or for stone temple pilots to come on the air with their new hit.. Im in Youngstown OH.. and i cant explain it, it just feels like i went back in time to 1998ish... the whole town has a weird like gloomy feeling to it.. and this fucking wireless connection in this hotel is shabby at best.. its like getting a handjob from a really hot girl.. cause its a handjob, awful right.. but then again its from a hot chick.. so the signal sucks but when it works its fucking wireless internet in my room.. im so used to having to go to the lobby or hallway to try and negotiate a signal.

Theres a football team here to for the weekend.. i think all they packed was their warm up outfits.. ive seen them on like 8 different occasions and they are all dressed the exact same way.. its like a weird cult..with a kicker.. and i dont know what they feed these kids either cause they are all like 6'5, 280 pounds.. even the asian kid on the team is pushing 240... the parents of one of the kids was downstairs this morning, it was like watching "Friday Night Lights" Live... The dad was mixing anger in his pep talk to a couple of the boys.. almost too scripted.. "Im so proud of you boys.. i drove 55 miles to be here to watch you out on that glorious field today.. thats a long trip.. but i know it will be worth it because you boys are gonna bring home that W.."....

I got in early yesterday... i thought the show started at 730.. so i came here around 530ish so i could check in and relax before the show, turns out the show started at 9pm... yea so i sat up in my room feeling like a douche bag for 3 hours.. trying to position my laptop just right so i check all the no messages i got on myspace. Then for some reason i started looking up porno... but like i said this signal kept going in and out.. now you really dont know how perverted you are until your trying to get off to a choppy video of some "teenager" getting banged in the back of a van.. the video would play for like 8 secs then stop for 15sec then start again... it was like getting head from a girl who stutters. "d-d-do yo-o-u like t-t-t-t-t-hhha-t ba-b-b-y?".

The show last night was awesome.. Im here at the Funny Farm doing guest sets all weekend so i can hopefully get future work from the club.. so last night we had a radio guy here, an mcee, me, the feature (Chad Zumock-very funny check him out) and the headliner (Tammy Pescatelli from last comic standing).. so we had to keep it really tight, so i only did 5 mins last night.. but the crowd was amazing like i said, i had 4 applause breaks in the 5 min set i did.. it felt sooooo good.. i dont wanna sound to bragish but i do wanna express what an amazing feeling it was.. i ended up selling 3 CDs last night too.. i think im supposed to do 15 mins tonight so we will see how it goes.. hopefully i dont bomb and look like a one hit wonder lol.. wish me luck ;)

i think thats all i got for my random blog thoughts for today... ill let ya know how tonight goes..

Team Spirit

2007-09-29T15:16:00.001-07:00

Let me start out by saying.. I DON'T WATCH SPORTS! So any views or opinions you think are bullshit or you want to call me out on just please remember I DON'T watch sports. K? K...

Now im all for team spirit and you can cheer and root and hope and pray for your team as much as you want, its just getting a little out of control here in Ohio. Everyone knows Ohio has the most hardcore college football fans in the world. Hands down. We riot if we win or lose. Yea. I know what your thinking.. " No way mike, we got the most hardcore fans EVER! Every game day we get up at 5am, my whole family my 3 sons, 7 daughters, wife and 90 yr old grandma all paint ourselves the team colors, then we show up 10 hours early to cookout and pre-game , then we scream until we lose our voices, buy all the foam fingers we can, then we go home and rewatch the same game on tivo with the same excitement, then we myspace the head coach and tell him what a great job he did.." umm.. You ever set your own car on fire? Then shut up. Ohio takes it to the extreme, every game day I have flash backs to my high school homecoming game. Because everything in town is painted school colors, every TV you turn on it's the game, every conversation starts and ends with the buckeyes, everyone in this god damn state wears jerseys, t-shirts, hoodies, hats, key chains, some paint their fucking cars on game day… I've never seen anything like it. Like I said I support team spirit, but it's gotten to the point where it's just fucking annoying. Example: I woke up this morning and threw on a t-shirt, today is a game day here in Ohio, I grabbed the first t-shirt in my closet.. Which just happened to say "Alabama" on it. A shirt that means nothing to me, it was on sale for $2.99… I proceed to go to Kroger for some food and I got the dirtiest looks ever! Even old people with altimerz gave me a dirty look then forgot they did and re-gave me a dirty look. I got hassled by the cashier, he almost didn't take my money because I was wearing another teams t-shirt.. REALLY?! Honestly what the fuck is wrong with you people?!? Do the buckeyes really control that much of your life that you cant sell me a product or shoot me a smile because im not wearing a fucking jersey and face paint on game day?!!?!? Look every once and awhile, maybe just on big game days I can understand, that's normal.. But EVERY fucking Saturday is wwwaayyy too much. If you live in Ohio you cannot escape it… Its borderline psychotic. I wish people put this much effort into something more positive than a couple college kids tossing a pig skin, like wouldn't it be nice to see these same people once a week wear something patriotic or wear something that stands for something that matters. Can you imagine the progress we'd make if once a week every in an entire state worked together on something other than praying for a field goal? I know im going to get to TONS of hate mail for this rant but I don't give a fuck.. take your ridiculously over priced jersey off before you comment on this… Makes me sooo happy when im out of state on a Saturday, I don't even want to leave my house anymore because of the ridiculous amount of team spirit. GO BUCKS!
Ps I know altimerz is spelled wrong…get over it, because spell check dosnt know either lol

Modern America

2007-08-29T20:26:00.000-07:00

Im slowly conforming into what america wants their perfect citizen to be... I didn't realize this until i bought a new laptop the other day. So now im just where America wants me, I drive a Honda, I listen to an ipod, my jeans are from abercrombie, my running shoes are nike, phone is verizon, i check myspace every 10 secs of the day, i get all my supplies pretty much at walmart and im typing this on my cute little Apple ibook. So in a sick way i am the model citizen. If they could just get me to watch cable TV i could run for president in this brain dead nation. Im not one of these nuts that thinks that the government is out to us or anything... but i do believe the media spoon feeds the way to think, dress, feel and act. Bill Hicks did a great bit back in the day about how the media is dealing you drugs right in your living room, right in front of your kids in your own home they are selling you alcohol on TV. But alcohol's not a drug, YES it is, its just a legal drug. I dont have cable TV nor do i watch the fuzzy basic channels 4, 6, and 10 either. I try to avoid TV as much as possible. Im staying with a friend this week while im doing the funnybone @ the Newport, and she has cable TV. I now realize more than ever that im not even close to missing out on anything. Reality TV has to be the most pointless over rated over done thing ive ever seen in my life. I dont care if you know all the lyrics to hang on sloopy, or if your gonna bang some hot blonde roomy the first two days your living in your decked out MTV mansion in some exotic city. I can tell ya how every situation in that house ends... he fucks her. Wow, anyone with half a brain knows that if some DD blonde is in a hot tub with some loser from baltimore, girlfriend or not hes gonna fuck her. And i think its sick how Paris and Nickey blatantly mock the average working citizen. Oh your not blessed enough to have a rich daddy so you have to work over time at some mediocre job to make ends meet week after week for your family, heres what we'll do, instead of sending some sort relief be it money, gifts or taken care of some bills ANYTHING.. NO what they are gonna do is send two ignorant snobby rich daddy girls there to mock their daily routines. You're telling me thats must see TV. REALLY?! Im almost anti social now a days, im constantly dodging conversations about who got voted off, or what Nelly's new music video looks like, or how many guys Hulk Hogan's daughter is banging behind his back. I could care less to be honest. More the merrier, have a battle royale ladder cage match in her bedroom, you want ratings right? I mean I'm no expert on modern television but i think having broke hogan in some short of doggystyle submission hold would make a few people wanna tivo that show once a week. And as far as MTV Cribs goes i dont care how your living. I just had taco bell, alone, right after talking to 100 strangers about my dick. We all aren't living the high life ok. I dont know if they make this show to like encourage people to work harder and have nicer things or just to rub it in our face that we'll probably never own a original pac man arcade game in our basement right beside a 24 foot couch in front of a 1000 inch flat plasma crystal space diamond television. Thanks MTV for the reminder of how shitty im doing, like i dont hear it enough from my mom. You should have a fall back plan Michael, NO i should have a sink made of chocolate ma. Fake it til you make it is what they say, but i dont think they've ever had to wait in line at a Walmart at 3am trying to buy a generic blue tooth headpiece for you super cool razr phone. Im just sick of trying to keep up and fit in to what America has deemed socially except-able. My phone is a better person than i am. Thats the truth, and its sad. My phone can do math, take pictures, movies, write emails, it remembers who i called last, it keeps dates for me, i can listen to any song i want, so in theory it sings better than i do, it knows everyones phone number and some peoples address's, heres the kicker my phone has insurance! If i could get my phone to put out i'd never leave the house... ok i'd leave but itd only be to get another battery. Maybe a back up generator in case the power goes out. Ok lets wrap this bitch up shall we... TV is evil, stop watching it, unless im on, then its ok... Seriousface just be careful what your watching and listening to don't let this great land of free brainwash you into buying khaki pants and over sized sunglasses if you dont want to.

ONLY in Cincy OH

2007-08-26T07:27:00.000-07:00

So i'm driving downtown Cincinnati OH last night after the first show and i'm sitting at this stop light around 11pm-ish... This guy wasnt to walk across the street so i wave at him to cross being a nice guy. Well this guy is about 24-26 and hes holding a sign. He starts asking me for money while standing in front of car. I said no thank. He then tells me that he is a War Veteran, again this guy cant be more than 26 years old. I say no thank you, very polite with the guy. Then he gets angry and starts yelling "I need food, I'm starving, Fuck you, I need food!!". So very politely i respond with "Go fuck yourself". He starts to walk off but right before he leaves he looks right in my eyes and says "Your just as bad as George Bush.". LOL, ive never laughed so hard in my life. Thats going to be my response for EVERYTHING now. "Hey mike i would love to go to the baseball game later but i made prior plans." Hey man your just as bad as George Bush! "Sorry i dont give head" Your just as bad as George Bush! "No I wont lower taxes and gas prices and help the people in New Orleans." Your just as bad as George Bush!

God Bless America!

I Heart Emails so write me one, if not your just as bad as George Bush!

Things I HATE Online...

2007-08-23T08:29:00.002-07:00

Things I Hate About the Internet

Virus programmers who really sat down and planned an electronic attack on everyone's email using the clever decoy as "You have received an e-card from your neighbor". REALLY?! Can't wait to open that. I think they should have gone the extra ridiculous mile and if you were that retarded to open it, a giant boxing glove would pop out the screen and break your fucking nose. Honestly who opens their email and says oh thank god, I've been waiting for months for this "e-card from my neighbor". Most people couldn't tell you what their neighbor's last name is and it's on the god damn mailbox! This is America; nobody talks to anyone unless they are absolutely forced into it. Their was a time right after half of New York City collapsed that we banned together and you saw things like teens holding doors open for the elderly, and white guys drinking at the bar with black guys, and Chinese people having coffee with Japanese people. But NOT anymore. Were back to the cold cruel world, and we like it that way... so why on earth would anyone fall for something so ignorant as your neighbor doing something nice for you.

If you have new pics (myspace) then that's fine, just don't tell me every 7 mins! I read the first bulletin. However the other 39 were kind of unnecessary. K? K.

Facebook – I'm not a big fan. Heres why… Myspace is like the local bar in town, its kinda hip, good music, some people you know, some people you don't. You can talk to whoever you want and its no big deal. Hear a couple new bands, meet some ladies, or catch up with some old friends you haven't seen in years. Facebook however is that bar you drive out of town for like once every two months for a guys/girls night. It's kind of uppity you know. They all have their cliques depending on where there from or what school they went to. You can't even talk to a stranger because they are so quick to bite your head off with a "Do I know you?" Plus face book is also like that friend that's not really your friend. You know the kid who ALWAYS busts you out behind your back. They've always been kind of jealous of you so even the littlest things they tell the whole world... Like "Michael emailed Jeff Today." W T F facebook?!?! Who cares?! Were just friends!! Can't trust facebook. Myspace however is a down ass brotha.

Spam emails. Like little electronic empty promises from God. "You can have a bigger penis". No I can't. "Teenage naked girls want to talk to you!". No they don't. "We've accepted your loan request and you can have all the money you want!". NO I CAN'T! Stop lying to me!! Although I will be really pissed if one day I see one of my idiot friends out at the mall and he's lighting his cigar with money, while two naked teens are carrying bags full of expensive clothes and electronics while having a giant rock hard errection in his new Armani pants… Because id have to ask what happened.. and if he said he responded to a few emails I'd cry. Then rush home and sign up for 10 more yahoo email accounts!

I know these are not big ordeals… but these little things bug me while I'm traveling through cyber space…

Pre-Blogging

2007-08-23T08:29:00.001-07:00

Im pre- blogging.. and every time I hear that word in the back of my mind theres a tiny cover band playing free falling by tom petty only replacing the words. "And I'm pre, pppreee blooggging…"Anyways I've discovered something that I kind of already knew this morning. I woke up and my internet is down, and as I'm watching my online light flash green and orange it reminds me of how addicted I am to being online. Its sick, these flashing lights reminds me a hardcore smoker outside on break trying to get his lighter to work, and the frustration just keeps building and building until he lights up and gets that sweet release from reality. And I know I'm not alone, esp since the hit sensation website MySpace came out. Now theres something to do online besides trying to find nude shots of sitcom stars. I was talking with my grandma the other night about how amazing it must be to watch all the changes happen in the world being at her age ya know, can you imagine how much change an 80 year person has seen. Shit technology is the only thing keeping her alive right now, she only has 5% of her heart working…. Yea that's right kids do the math, that means 95% of whats keeping her alive is man made. Shes like Pinocchio, only really old. Ive seen some crazy shit be developed and im only 25. Computers mostly. But look at flat screen TVs, mobile phones, airport security, gas made with corn. This world is fucking crazy if you take a min to stop and look around. I want to see Benjamin Franklin's MySpace page ya know.. I mean can imagine if the technology would have been available years and years ago what things would have been like. I would like to think his profile song would be Thunder Struck by ACDC… anyways my point is this, take a min offline to look at reality. Whats really in front of you, the people, the things, the inventions you take for granted, hug your stapler (be careful), kiss your coffee machine at work, write a love letter to you PC, and breathe it all in for just one min today… I hope you enjoyed my not so funny pre-blog (yea I'm pre, pppreee-bbblooggging).. ill post it as soon as I can…

PS. – I heart E-Mails

MOVIE REVIEW: Transformers

2007-08-23T08:28:00.001-07:00

Transformers...

Great flick.. growing up on the action packed cartoon i was curious to see what they would do with the movie.. Hollywood has a game they usually play with these kind of projects called "ruining a good thing".. but i think they did really really good with this one... granted the movie was 3 hours long..

pro- graphics

con- the camera alot of the times dosnt capture anything, its like they hired the camera man from "Cops" to film all the action scenes...

Boy Scout Safe and Sound

2007-08-23T08:27:00.001-07:00

Last year the BIG news story was that Boy Scout who wondered off from the pack and got lost in the mountains. Well like a week later they found him on the other side of this mountain. I was pissed! I'm seriousface, I was praying something ate him. I know you think it sounds harsh but I mean come on, he deserved it. The kid was 13 and he said fuck it and wondered off on his own, you can't do that crazy white boy teenage rebel shit. You're not a Marine, you're not a trained survivor, you're a fucking boy scout! You can't defend yourself against a bear, or a mountain lion or a Michael Jackson. I was praying the news would come on and a bear got a hold of this kid, they'd show a picture of the bear and he's wearing the kid's Boy Scout scarf, holding his handbook in one hand and a bottle of ketchup in the other hand. I wanted something bad to happen to this little bratty "I do whatever I want" mindset child so bad I almost tracked and ate him myself. You shouldn't talk to strangers! (stab)… They said he hiked over the mountain.. Who is watching these kids?!?! Did they let someone's grandpa with altzimers take these kids out on a hiking trail?! What moron okays this kid to stray off?!? "Hey im going to go climb a mountain", whoa whoa whoa, do you have your hand book? Ok good. What about your scarf? Ok excellent. Quick tie a sheep knot! Awesome, you can go. And what the fuck happened to the buddy system?!? When I was a kid they drilled that shit into your brain, Buddy System, Buddy System, Buddy System, Buddy System, TAKE A BUDDY!!!! To the bathroom, church, the library, crossing the street, cutting meat that's too tough use the Buddy System!!! Unless you're in the military, then you're an army of one… I never did understand that. I guess you're allowed to go alone when you're fighting for oil. My friend says, well you can't ALWAYS have someone with you. YES you can! Esp. when you're oh I don't know HIKING UP A FUCKING MOUTAIN!! You're going to need more than a mountain dew and your ipod fucker. If I was planning on hiking thru the mountains I would def. take the fat kid, or the retard with me. Fat kid its obv. You can out run or trip him boom bear food. Retard you could just tell him to pet the bear and boom again your home free! So in closing I'd like to say that I hope all rebel "you're not my boss" mental state children get eaten by large hungry bears. Matter of fact im going to open up my own business where I take live bears to malls all over ... America and accidentally leave their cages unlocked right outside the Abercrombie store.

No Wonder They Hate Us...

2007-08-23T08:26:00.001-07:00

Finally proof that this country is getting more ignorant by the minute… Yesterday there were giant headlines, a new type of dinosaur was discovered, more news about further information on Mars, oh yea and were still at War... BUT… what headline does Yahoo! Make their main attraction… their giant main focus on their homepage… Which car will Dale Earnhardt Jr. drive for?!!?Are we fucking serious?!?! Your choices are new species of dinosaurs, life on other planets, or a war that seems to have no end and you pick fucking NASCAR ?!?! Wow… god bless America and all its ignorant glory.

-malone-

ps i heart emails... but please dont send me anything supporting the idea that NASCAR is important bc alot of ppl watch it and blah blah blah.. the point is NASCAR isnt as imporant as i dunno losing hundreds of soliders in Iraq, or discovering and exploring other planets... wow... sorry for the anger i just couldnt believe what i was seeing yesterday..

Hot Pockets

2007-08-23T08:24:00.000-07:00

Its 12:48am im sitting in a hotel room in Marshall, MI… I just ate two hot pockets and a crispy crème doughnut… ah the life of a comedian. These are the things that happen when you're on the road, unlike Dane Cook and friends in the TV series "Tourgasm"… Granted I haven't been on the road as long as he has but not once have I raced a go cart or laser tagged in between shows EVER… I don't know why im writing I just keep yelling at myself for not blogging enough so here it is… Im doing a 3 day run with Derek Richards, were in a different city in Michigan every night which rocks we did our first show tonight at some little bar in the middle of nowhere.. the place was called "The Place Next Door" yet theres nothing within 2 miles of the joint… Irony? Yes ill have two scoops please. The show was fun the crowd was a little chatty but in a good way, I sold one t-shirt lol. Im really new at the whole selling merch after the show so I don't have a proper sales pitch or anything I just kind of hold up my shirt and go um ill be selling these.. no price, size, or nothing … I need to take a "how to con the average man out of 15 bucks" class. Were doing two shows tomorrow night, I guess the second show is sold out already which kicks ass. Its been a busy year so far which im so greatful THANK YOU for coming out and supporting live comedy, even if you watched a clip online or sent me an Email THANK YOU, you did your part too! Thanks for the support. Im trying to branch out as much as possible and every little bit helps, even if you just tell one friend or buy one ticket you have no idea how much that helps so thank you hopefully I can keep doing whatever im doing to keep bringing you out and keep you watching and laughing… anyways I think im gonna hit the sheets… Ill try to do this more often I promise

Yo yO YO PaRty PeOpLE 5-3-07

2007-05-03T10:16:00.000-07:00

alot of people dont know this but if you spell out words all crazy like that it makes things seem to be alot more fun than what they really are... or it also means your a retard... oh come on?! a retard joke right off the bat?! WTF Mike Malone W.T.F.?!? Just wanted to say thanks for coming out to the funnybone and supporting a good cause last night.. Thanks to Bill Arrundale for putting it all together...and thanks to the funnybone for letting us do what we do when we do it... couple quick updates bc i know you all give a fuck.. um i'll be at the dayton OH funnybone for the rest of the week, Thurs-Sun with Jake Iannarino and John Morgan so make sure you come out and see us... buy me a beer that i wont drink maybe let your wife or gf give me a handjob.. who cares were all family... anyways hit me up if you want details..about how i like my handjobs... i like my handjobs like i like my coffee.... spilled all over my lap?.. moving on.. heres a video (click here) from the other night at the newport KY funnybone i hope you all enjoy i know i did..

well hello mid march

2007-03-15T06:04:00.000-07:00

WOW! This year has been flying by! I cant believe its mid march already... this has been a great year so far, my calendar has been packed so far and i just hope it continues... March has been the busiest yet, but lets hope it keeps filling up.. So many awesome gigs this year, first was in late feb when i was at the columbus funnybone all week with Josh Sneed and Nick Griffin.. Nick is one of my personal favs, if youve never heard of him please please check him out hes an amazing writer. Josh is a "local" boy, hes from Cinnci OH and ive always heard his name but never really saw alot of his act, but i was really impressed, you gotta check him out as well, his comedy central special will air March 30th so check it out. The week was awesome i was writing on a daily basis which usually dosnt happen.. such a fun week with the people too, almost every show was sold out and friends and family came down i couldnt have asked for more... unless some strange young female was blowing me at the bar after my show everynight.. hell even one night woulda been alright with me. From there it was on to a bar gig... im kinda spoiled in the sense that i dont really do a whole lot of bar gigs anymore so it was def an eye opener... 100 people in this bar and no one was there for comedy... Everyone wanted there pool games loud, beer a plenty and their sports on TV... I can honestly say it was the first time ive been able to watch TV and do my act at the same time.. pretty wild.. I was supposed to do 20 mins I ended up doing barely 10... but i think i went in there thinking the wrong way, i went into it too serious i should have just had fun and tried to work with my surroundings... i cant wait to go back lol... Then Sat (10th) i traveled my way up to Flat Rock Michigan.... when i first pulled into town i saw a giant billboard with these celebs, and it says "We all have Aids, if one of us does." Now ive heard of peer pressure before but fuck man! You gotta draw a line somewhere.. I mean my friends have talked me into ALOT of dumb shit before.... NEVER AIDS... thats all im saying... So i get to this gig what i thought was 2 hours early.. i like to be there an hour before showtime just in case shit ya know, traffic, whatev... well the other two comics werent there til 10 mins before the show, adn we even pushed it back an hour... so here i sit in this basement of the club for 3 and a half hours with my ipod eating jelly beans... ah the life of a comedian... you never see those parts, its always people on stage in front of 1000's of people, or doing guest spots on national tv you never see what happens before a show.. sitting in a corner all by yourself writing down little notes or thoughts.. trying to look around the place and find stuff to talk about on stage.. not a whole lot of fun... but there was about 300 people there and we had ALOT ALOT ALOT of fun that night... they were a middle aged crowd and pretty open minded so that was good for me lol... well i got a few more gigs then im off to Florida.. im sure ill blog from the beach...

Been awhile

2007-02-03T06:26:00.000-08:00

YO! sorry ive just been busy as usual... trying to get as much stage time and get my name out there as much as possible.. Im still working on my CD, i dunno, im half and half with it, i like it but do i like it enough to sell it and have it represent my comedy ya know.. i almost wanna re record it some night to the new tags and things i have slipped into my act but on the other hand this one is pretty much ready to go.. tough call people. Anyways shows have been going really well lately... need to start testing new material, i have a ton sitting in my notebooks but i never use it... so hopefully next time you come out to a show im not doing the same stuff you saw online for the past 6 months... ive been watchign some of my old videos lately and its insane to see how much ive grown in the past 6 months.. i mean to me, i cant feel the difference, but watching the videos from then and now its like two different comics.. and i just keep growing ya know im still young in this game, so im curious to see when i finally just stop growing.. and if you ever do.. i mean are comics like chris rock and seinfeld still showing progress, or have they hit the point where you stop evolving ya know.. sorry now im just rambling... i need to learn how to spell lol.. anyways keep supporting live comedy and thanks for taking the time to read up..

1-16-07 What a Night

2007-01-16T19:26:00.000-08:00

Fucked up is one way to describe my night.. i started at the funnybone i was gonna go watch, as i do on some random tues nights.. Stroupe asked me if wanted to do a set and i gladly agreed to. The Crowd was really weird tonight, the first few rows loved comedy, loved being there, laughing having a blast, the rest of the room HATED comedy, not smiling, not laughing, not blinking lol.. it was as if they were being punished or something.. and i thought i was the problem, i thought maybe i was too offensive or somethign i dunno, i thought i angered them somehow, but NO! they were like that allllll night long. The headliner (Daryl Joyce) and I sat in the back in shock about how unresponsive half the room was.. well he def put an end to that when he took the stage.. he started rippin on ppl left and right, the first 10 mins was all improved and it was all making fun of ppl who werent laughing..and the place went nuts! they couldnt get enough. He then stops and says, thats for not laughing and not showing respect to all the comics who were on stage tonight, fuck you people for not laughing and not coming out to have a good time this is a hard job up here..... etc.. it was amazing to say the least.. it was one of those moments where you go, "wow did he just fucking do that?!"

So then things get weird...
Im driving home (i live out on a country road) and this car about half a football field in front of me slams on their brakes, im starting to gain on them, realizing they are at a complete stop i slam on my brakes, i even pause to you know make sure everything was okay.. so i slowly go around them, the car punches it and starts riding my ass.. then begins to drive side by side with me, i freak out right and slam on my brakes, they slam on their brakes, then pull up about 20 feet and half ass block the road... Driver side door opens, big fuckin dude gets out and begins to run at my car full speed.. i punch it whip around him and his car and do a little night flying, turn out my lights and go home... the most random attack ever lol

1-12-07 I went bananas!!!!!

2007-01-12T17:33:00.000-08:00

I did two sets at the comedy club in Cinnci OH called Go Bananas this week, sun night my boys Derek Vana and Rod Paulette were there so i got hooked up with a guest set which was a fucking blast, the crowds there are always so open minded.. i dont know if its the city or what but i like playing that room.. i went back on wed night for their pro/am night.. had another great time while i was there, alot of comics i knew were there and alot of fresh faces that im sure ill run into again and again.. just wanted to say thanks for coming out and supporting live comedy to those of you who made those nights special for some of us.. heres a link with a video if you wanna watch my set from wed night! Enjoy! CLICK HERE

1-07-07 Welcome New Year!!!

2007-01-07T20:36:00.000-08:00

So my new years was pretty boring since i dont drink and all... i refused to go downtown and pay a cover charge to watch people get hammered and hook up.. so that left me with alot of options (notice sarcasim).. A group of us did go out and my friend Jay and I dressed up in these 1970's suits from the thrift store and hit the town! Highlight of the evening were these group of guys thinking i was Johnny Knoxville lol.. and they wouldnt take no for an answer, we took pictures i shook hands offered me drinks... good times.. Heres some pics enjoy

I just got home from a guest spot at Go Bananas comedy club in cinnci OH.. it was alot of fun, i knew the mcee and the feature was my good friend Derek Vana, and the closer was Rod Paulette who i also know and love his work. I used to watch Rod when i was first starting out thinking god i wish i was half that good, and now im starting to share the same stages with him.. its weird how things pan out sometimes.. i used to look up to and watch whenever i got the chance, another comic from columbus named Jake Iannarino, then he asked me to join his improv group, and we travled ALOT of places and became really good friends, and its weird knowing that just a few months before that he was like a celeb to me ya know, someone in the lime light who i wished i could one day be 10% of the comic he was... ive also had the pleasure to be approached as that kind of comic.. which is really freaky, i mean to think that someone else understands and enjoys something you wrote and acted out, something youve done a million times so its not special anymore, someone thinks is amazing, and inspiring, and border line idol material is fucking crazy.. the feeling you get when someone actually understands or highly enjoys your stuff enough to say to you more than "nice job" or "great set" is unmatchable to any drug. When someone breaks down what you said and shows that they were really listening is fucking crazy, esp if they repeat a phrase or bit of yours its truly one of the craziest things you can experience in this life. To be able to reach people like we do is an honor. My good friend and comedian Bernie McGrenehan sent me a book recently, and he wrote inside of it and what he wrote is so true, it says "Mike, comedy is a gift that we share with the world and all its people. Its not fame or fortune or ego. Its about saying something that triggers a smile or laugh in another. Keep giving your gift michael." A gift indeed, alot of people dont see it or use it like that, but when you break this crazy thing down we call stand up comedy, thats what its all about, YOU.. the listener.. the people who can make us feel like kings or bums at the end of the night. Thank you for listening night after night....

Last Week In Review

2006-12-18T13:24:00.000-08:00

Last week was a fun week to say the least. Tues night my boy Derek Vana was mcee'ing up at the funnybone here in Columbus so I went to check out his set and ended up doing some time. Starting to feel like home up there. It used to make me nervous, it was the only comedy club that would give me those heebie jeebie feelings ya know. Ive been all over the country on different stages but none of them make me nervous like the bone here in Columbus. Thanks again for giving me a time slot I really appreciate it. Like anyone reads my blogs lol.

Anyways then Wed night I was at the Funnybone in Beavercreek OH for the future legends of comedy show. I set a goal of trying to get 25 people to come see the show and make reservations saying that they were there to see me. Well I don't know too many people in the Dayton area.. I got about 6 people there, which was good but def not even close to 25.. oh well. It was a fun night, great crowd, a lot of different comics, styles the whole 9 yards. Props to Ryan Singer for knowing how to put on a good show. The line up is a skill and i think hes mastered it.

Thurs night I did a private show with my boys from Say What Improv?! which was a blast. It started out really shitty, we drove 2 hours to this little Amish village where this lodge was located. Beautiful giant lodge out in the middle of these woods. 3 star restaurant inside of it, i mean this place was rrreeaallll nice.. Staff was awesome execpt for this one lady who was.. dare I say it... a cunt. I would say bitch but her actions were wwwway above that level. She wouldn't even let us finish a sentence before she would walk away from us in anger. She couldn't get it through her head that we were hired to be there we were not the people throwing the event. She told us wall dividers we needed were going to be 50 extra dollars yata yata yata... Even though we tried telling her several hundred times it wasn't OUR event, we ARE NOT in charge of the money.. So instead of eating at the event we drove back 10 miles into this little town and ate at Burger King. The staff there was 100 times cooler, nicer, better there. I give that burger king 4 stars! And to top it all off we brought back burger king crowns and little toys to give out at the event at this 3 star restaurant. Ps the actual show was awesome!

Sat night i was with my boys yet again... nothing really eventful happend.. It was a 3 hour drive, we did a show for a room full of 90 yr old people. YAY! Another 3 hour drive home... Lame..

Hope everyone had a fun weekend!

-Malone-

Louder is NOT funnier

2006-12-08T04:59:00.000-08:00

The louder you are on stage the less punchlines you have to write. I think that is the mentality of a lot of these comics I'm coming across. A lot of people believe that Dane Cook takes the easy way out of writing punchlines is by "performing" more or in other words "Acting Out" his jokes. Success is success no matter how it happens. Paris Hilton is a top celeb because of a sex tape, not her talent. Coolio had better press for shop lifting than rapping. MC hammer is better known for losing all his money than baggy shiny pants. Its so weird what the world remembers or chooses what makes someone who they are, half the time its not about the actual talent they have. Back to the yelling! I've been working the road a little and doing my homework by watching as much comedy as I can, and the thing I'm coming across that irritates me is the belief that "Louder is Funnier". I don't like people sliding to the top without any effort involved. This is going to sound biter but more and more im watching these comics headline and feature that have no real jokes, or punches, or twist, or sometimes even a solid setup. However what they do have is a gimmick. Louder is NOT funnier! You cant substitute a punchline or build up for a meaningless word or words at high volume. Give us an example mike, ok sure... this tactic really gets to me... A comic will ask an audience member a question and then repeat the question at high volume.
Comic- "What are you drinking tonight?"
Member- "Just a water.."
Comic- " JUST A WATER!?!! OH MY GOD?! A WATER?! Lady this is A COMEDY CLUB!!! A WATER?!?!"
Crowd Response – Loves every minute of it.. why I don't know.
I really cant wrap my mind around why that would be funny at any club anywhere anytime… BUT it is… and it KILLS! Mike are you saying that comics aren't allowed to yell or raise their voices during their act? NO! I'm saying its not okay to replace a punchline with words at high volumes. Notice how the example had NO punchline what so ever to it at all, now imagine an entire 45 min set like that. What makes a joke funny is the twist you put to it, or a word with a different meaning switched in, or experiences people can relate to, but the more popular end to a joke is the element of surprise. The comics im talking about have no structure, no build up, no surprise.
Example :
Comic- " So I went to the café and they didn't have any creamer and I thought NO CREAMER!?! NO CREAMER?! YOU'RE A CAFÉ WHERES YOUR CREAMER?! I mean am I wrong here folks?"
Picture an entire 45 min set just like horrible example joke. Makes you want to put a bullet in your head doesn't it? It should make you be more aware of the people Im talking about so we can all strike against them until they give up and learn how to write a fucking joke.
Not everyone is a comedian. I cant sing, therefore I will never put out an R&B album. I cant juggle, therefore I will never put out a juggling instructional video. My point to all this is the comics that do write good solid humor are getting the shaft because half the time its not them who are headlining the club it's the moron who cant control the volume of his voice. The idiot that cant sit down and write a decent joke or tag so they buy a guitar. Not all guitar comics are bad, a lot of them are but not all. A lot of the guitar guys do this number which I also hate… The short set up short song joke.
Guitar Comic – " So I dated this girl when I was a teenager and I went to meet her mom and it kinda went a little something like this..
Your mom is hotter than you,
Id rather bang her than you,
Why cant you be prettier you whore.."
Crowd Response – Loves every minute of it.. why I don't know
Not funny but yet again another headliner. What happened to the good old days when pushing the limit, or even topical humor was getting more recognized and rewarded. It's the yelling and some guitar comics fault that everyone jack and Jane think they can do stand up because they tell a few jokes at work.