Modern America

Im slowly conforming into what america wants their perfect citizen to be... I didn't realize this until i bought a new laptop the other day. So now im just where America wants me, I drive a Honda, I listen to an ipod, my jeans are from abercrombie, my running shoes are nike, phone is verizon, i check myspace every 10 secs of the day, i get all my supplies pretty much at walmart and im typing this on my cute little Apple ibook. So in a sick way i am the model citizen. If they could just get me to watch cable TV i could run for president in this brain dead nation. Im not one of these nuts that thinks that the government is out to us or anything... but i do believe the media spoon feeds the way to think, dress, feel and act. Bill Hicks did a great bit back in the day about how the media is dealing you drugs right in your living room, right in front of your kids in your own home they are selling you alcohol on TV. But alcohol's not a drug, YES it is, its just a legal drug. I dont have cable TV nor do i watch the fuzzy basic channels 4, 6, and 10 either. I try to avoid TV as much as possible. Im staying with a friend this week while im doing the funnybone @ the Newport, and she has cable TV. I now realize more than ever that im not even close to missing out on anything. Reality TV has to be the most pointless over rated over done thing ive ever seen in my life. I dont care if you know all the lyrics to hang on sloopy, or if your gonna bang some hot blonde roomy the first two days your living in your decked out MTV mansion in some exotic city. I can tell ya how every situation in that house ends... he fucks her. Wow, anyone with half a brain knows that if some DD blonde is in a hot tub with some loser from baltimore, girlfriend or not hes gonna fuck her. And i think its sick how Paris and Nickey blatantly mock the average working citizen. Oh your not blessed enough to have a rich daddy so you have to work over time at some mediocre job to make ends meet week after week for your family, heres what we'll do, instead of sending some sort relief be it money, gifts or taken care of some bills ANYTHING.. NO what they are gonna do is send two ignorant snobby rich daddy girls there to mock their daily routines. You're telling me thats must see TV. REALLY?! Im almost anti social now a days, im constantly dodging conversations about who got voted off, or what Nelly's new music video looks like, or how many guys Hulk Hogan's daughter is banging behind his back. I could care less to be honest. More the merrier, have a battle royale ladder cage match in her bedroom, you want ratings right? I mean I'm no expert on modern television but i think having broke hogan in some short of doggystyle submission hold would make a few people wanna tivo that show once a week. And as far as MTV Cribs goes i dont care how your living. I just had taco bell, alone, right after talking to 100 strangers about my dick. We all aren't living the high life ok. I dont know if they make this show to like encourage people to work harder and have nicer things or just to rub it in our face that we'll probably never own a original pac man arcade game in our basement right beside a 24 foot couch in front of a 1000 inch flat plasma crystal space diamond television. Thanks MTV for the reminder of how shitty im doing, like i dont hear it enough from my mom. You should have a fall back plan Michael, NO i should have a sink made of chocolate ma. Fake it til you make it is what they say, but i dont think they've ever had to wait in line at a Walmart at 3am trying to buy a generic blue tooth headpiece for you super cool razr phone. Im just sick of trying to keep up and fit in to what America has deemed socially except-able. My phone is a better person than i am. Thats the truth, and its sad. My phone can do math, take pictures, movies, write emails, it remembers who i called last, it keeps dates for me, i can listen to any song i want, so in theory it sings better than i do, it knows everyones phone number and some peoples address's, heres the kicker my phone has insurance! If i could get my phone to put out i'd never leave the house... ok i'd leave but itd only be to get another battery. Maybe a back up generator in case the power goes out. Ok lets wrap this bitch up shall we... TV is evil, stop watching it, unless im on, then its ok... Seriousface just be careful what your watching and listening to don't let this great land of free brainwash you into buying khaki pants and over sized sunglasses if you dont want to.

ONLY in Cincy OH

So i'm driving downtown Cincinnati OH last night after the first show and i'm sitting at this stop light around 11pm-ish... This guy wasnt to walk across the street so i wave at him to cross being a nice guy. Well this guy is about 24-26 and hes holding a sign. He starts asking me for money while standing in front of car. I said no thank. He then tells me that he is a War Veteran, again this guy cant be more than 26 years old. I say no thank you, very polite with the guy. Then he gets angry and starts yelling "I need food, I'm starving, Fuck you, I need food!!". So very politely i respond with "Go fuck yourself". He starts to walk off but right before he leaves he looks right in my eyes and says "Your just as bad as George Bush.". LOL, ive never laughed so hard in my life. Thats going to be my response for EVERYTHING now. "Hey mike i would love to go to the baseball game later but i made prior plans." Hey man your just as bad as George Bush! "Sorry i dont give head" Your just as bad as George Bush! "No I wont lower taxes and gas prices and help the people in New Orleans." Your just as bad as George Bush!

God Bless America!

I Heart Emails so write me one, if not your just as bad as George Bush!

Things I HATE Online...

Things I Hate About the Internet

1. Virus programmers who really sat down and planned an electronic attack on everyone's email using the clever decoy as "You have received an e-card from your neighbor". REALLY?! Can't wait to open that. I think they should have gone the extra ridiculous mile and if you were that retarded to open it, a giant boxing glove would pop out the screen and break your fucking nose. Honestly who opens their email and says oh thank god, I've been waiting for months for this "e-card from my neighbor". Most people couldn't tell you what their neighbor's last name is and it's on the god damn mailbox! This is America; nobody talks to anyone unless they are absolutely forced into it. Their was a time right after half of New York City collapsed that we banned together and you saw things like teens holding doors open for the elderly, and white guys drinking at the bar with black guys, and Chinese people having coffee with Japanese people. But NOT anymore. Were back to the cold cruel world, and we like it that way... so why on earth would anyone fall for something so ignorant as your neighbor doing something nice for you.

2. If you have new pics (myspace) then that's fine, just don't tell me every 7 mins! I read the first bulletin. However the other 39 were kind of unnecessary. K? K.

3. Facebook – I'm not a big fan. Heres why… Myspace is like the local bar in town, its kinda hip, good music, some people you know, some people you don't. You can talk to whoever you want and its no big deal. Hear a couple new bands, meet some ladies, or catch up with some old friends you haven't seen in years. Facebook however is that bar you drive out of town for like once every two months for a guys/girls night. It's kind of uppity you know. They all have their cliques depending on where there from or what school they went to. You can't even talk to a stranger because they are so quick to bite your head off with a "Do I know you?" Plus face book is also like that friend that's not really your friend. You know the kid who ALWAYS busts you out behind your back. They've always been kind of jealous of you so even the littlest things they tell the whole world... Like "Michael emailed Jeff Today." W T F facebook?!?! Who cares?! Were just friends!! Can't trust facebook. Myspace however is a down ass brotha.

4. Spam emails. Like little electronic empty promises from God. "You can have a bigger penis". No I can't. "Teenage naked girls want to talk to you!". No they don't. "We've accepted your loan request and you can have all the money you want!". NO I CAN'T! Stop lying to me!! Although I will be really pissed if one day I see one of my idiot friends out at the mall and he's lighting his cigar with money, while two naked teens are carrying bags full of expensive clothes and electronics while having a giant rock hard errection in his new Armani pants… Because id have to ask what happened.. and if he said he responded to a few emails I'd cry. Then rush home and sign up for 10 more yahoo email accounts!

I know these are not big ordeals… but these little things bug me while I'm traveling through cyber space…

Pre-Blogging

Im pre- blogging.. and every time I hear that word in the back of my mind theres a tiny cover band playing free falling by tom petty only replacing the words. "And I'm pre, pppreee blooggging…"Anyways I've discovered something that I kind of already knew this morning. I woke up and my internet is down, and as I'm watching my online light flash green and orange it reminds me of how addicted I am to being online. Its sick, these flashing lights reminds me a hardcore smoker outside on break trying to get his lighter to work, and the frustration just keeps building and building until he lights up and gets that sweet release from reality. And I know I'm not alone, esp since the hit sensation website MySpace came out. Now theres something to do online besides trying to find nude shots of sitcom stars. I was talking with my grandma the other night about how amazing it must be to watch all the changes happen in the world being at her age ya know, can you imagine how much change an 80 year person has seen. Shit technology is the only thing keeping her alive right now, she only has 5% of her heart working…. Yea that's right kids do the math, that means 95% of whats keeping her alive is man made. Shes like Pinocchio, only really old. Ive seen some crazy shit be developed and im only 25. Computers mostly. But look at flat screen TVs, mobile phones, airport security, gas made with corn. This world is fucking crazy if you take a min to stop and look around. I want to see Benjamin Franklin's MySpace page ya know.. I mean can imagine if the technology would have been available years and years ago what things would have been like. I would like to think his profile song would be Thunder Struck by ACDC… anyways my point is this, take a min offline to look at reality. Whats really in front of you, the people, the things, the inventions you take for granted, hug your stapler (be careful), kiss your coffee machine at work, write a love letter to you PC, and breathe it all in for just one min today… I hope you enjoyed my not so funny pre-blog (yea I'm pre, pppreee-bbblooggging).. ill post it as soon as I can…

PS. – I heart E-Mails

MOVIE REVIEW: Transformers

Transformers...

Great flick.. growing up on the action packed cartoon i was curious to see what they would do with the movie.. Hollywood has a game they usually play with these kind of projects called "ruining a good thing".. but i think they did really really good with this one... granted the movie was 3 hours long..

pro- graphics

con- the camera alot of the times dosnt capture anything, its like they hired the camera man from "Cops" to film all the action scenes...

Boy Scout Safe and Sound

Last year the BIG news story was that Boy Scout who wondered off from the pack and got lost in the mountains. Well like a week later they found him on the other side of this mountain. I was pissed! I'm seriousface, I was praying something ate him. I know you think it sounds harsh but I mean come on, he deserved it. The kid was 13 and he said fuck it and wondered off on his own, you can't do that crazy white boy teenage rebel shit. You're not a Marine, you're not a trained survivor, you're a fucking boy scout! You can't defend yourself against a bear, or a mountain lion or a Michael Jackson. I was praying the news would come on and a bear got a hold of this kid, they'd show a picture of the bear and he's wearing the kid's Boy Scout scarf, holding his handbook in one hand and a bottle of ketchup in the other hand. I wanted something bad to happen to this little bratty "I do whatever I want" mindset child so bad I almost tracked and ate him myself. You shouldn't talk to strangers! (stab)… They said he hiked over the mountain.. Who is watching these kids?!?! Did they let someone's grandpa with altzimers take these kids out on a hiking trail?! What moron okays this kid to stray off?!? "Hey im going to go climb a mountain", whoa whoa whoa, do you have your hand book? Ok good. What about your scarf? Ok excellent. Quick tie a sheep knot! Awesome, you can go. And what the fuck happened to the buddy system?!? When I was a kid they drilled that shit into your brain, Buddy System, Buddy System, Buddy System, Buddy System, TAKE A BUDDY!!!! To the bathroom, church, the library, crossing the street, cutting meat that's too tough use the Buddy System!!! Unless you're in the military, then you're an army of one… I never did understand that. I guess you're allowed to go alone when you're fighting for oil. My friend says, well you can't ALWAYS have someone with you. YES you can! Esp. when you're oh I don't know HIKING UP A FUCKING MOUTAIN!! You're going to need more than a mountain dew and your ipod fucker. If I was planning on hiking thru the mountains I would def. take the fat kid, or the retard with me. Fat kid its obv. You can out run or trip him boom bear food. Retard you could just tell him to pet the bear and boom again your home free! So in closing I'd like to say that I hope all rebel "you're not my boss" mental state children get eaten by large hungry bears. Matter of fact im going to open up my own business where I take live bears to malls all over ... America and accidentally leave their cages unlocked right outside the Abercrombie store.

No Wonder They Hate Us...

Finally proof that this country is getting more ignorant by the minute… Yesterday there were giant headlines, a new type of dinosaur was discovered, more news about further information on Mars, oh yea and were still at War... BUT… what headline does Yahoo! Make their main attraction… their giant main focus on their homepage… Which car will Dale Earnhardt Jr. drive for?!!?Are we fucking serious?!?! Your choices are new species of dinosaurs, life on other planets, or a war that seems to have no end and you pick fucking NASCAR ?!?! Wow… god bless America and all its ignorant glory.

-malone-

ps i heart emails... but please dont send me anything supporting the idea that NASCAR is important bc alot of ppl watch it and blah blah blah.. the point is NASCAR isnt as imporant as i dunno losing hundreds of soliders in Iraq, or discovering and exploring other planets... wow... sorry for the anger i just couldnt believe what i was seeing yesterday..

Hot Pockets

Its 12:48am im sitting in a hotel room in Marshall, MI… I just ate two hot pockets and a crispy crème doughnut… ah the life of a comedian. These are the things that happen when you're on the road, unlike Dane Cook and friends in the TV series "Tourgasm"… Granted I haven't been on the road as long as he has but not once have I raced a go cart or laser tagged in between shows EVER… I don't know why im writing I just keep yelling at myself for not blogging enough so here it is… Im doing a 3 day run with Derek Richards, were in a different city in Michigan every night which rocks we did our first show tonight at some little bar in the middle of nowhere.. the place was called "The Place Next Door" yet theres nothing within 2 miles of the joint… Irony? Yes ill have two scoops please. The show was fun the crowd was a little chatty but in a good way, I sold one t-shirt lol. Im really new at the whole selling merch after the show so I don't have a proper sales pitch or anything I just kind of hold up my shirt and go um ill be selling these.. no price, size, or nothing … I need to take a "how to con the average man out of 15 bucks" class. Were doing two shows tomorrow night, I guess the second show is sold out already which kicks ass. Its been a busy year so far which im so greatful THANK YOU for coming out and supporting live comedy, even if you watched a clip online or sent me an Email THANK YOU, you did your part too! Thanks for the support. Im trying to branch out as much as possible and every little bit helps, even if you just tell one friend or buy one ticket you have no idea how much that helps so thank you hopefully I can keep doing whatever im doing to keep bringing you out and keep you watching and laughing… anyways I think im gonna hit the sheets… Ill try to do this more often I promise